a boring week

Have just realised that its' 19 days to my exam and I haven't started revising yet! also have an essay due on the same day. It has been such a stressful week that it's flown by.

With the boy's wobble at the start of the week and now my neck is playing up. Also lost my mental meds so that isn't helping. I hate putting things down then forgetting where I put them. It is so annoying.

Today I think will be spent in bed as I can't sit very well.

I have spent most of this week distracting myself and taking lots of photos.

I've even been messing around with photoshop and editied the picture of Diesel.

Got a rare picture of Sandy sat  still.

I love this picture of Jessie. Took it after she had been out all night. She looks so sleepy.



This week i did nothing

I seem to be doing anything but what I should be doing. Sean is settling into college which is good. Can't believe its only 4 weeks till passing in! time seems to be flying.

Diesel

I got myself a new camera, I need a hobby and this is something that I know I will enjoy.
Been busy taking photos of the animals. I love the one of Diesel its rare to get him looking so still!

I have booked a room for my eldests 18th birthday party. Can't believe that she's 18!! I feel so old. I've also got her some driving lessons booked with an instructor I trust.

I am getting behind on my applying psychology course. i haveno excuse other than I've been reading the True Blood books on my Kindle. The Kindle is brilliant its just a shame I can't read my course books on it as I can't get the font size right.

emotional wreck

I am coming to the end of the first week.

the first week

Well its been my first full week since I gave up instructing.

I ended my career with a pass, which is the best way to end.

Am I missing it? no, not at all. Although I've had other things to think about. My son has just started at AFC Harrogate (the army foundation college) and spent all last week preparing and sorting his kit (and there was a lot!).

We took him on Sunday, I knew I was going to cry but I lasted until we had to say goodbye. even though he's stayed at my mums, this is the first time that i no longer have any control over him and all his decisions are his. Also he's left home. He's the first one to leave and its the army. As proud as I am, its been a long road to get just to this point, I still will worry.

I've had some texts off him and he seems happy and is ironing!

Summer holidays

I really hate the summer holidays. I know I'm not alone with that.

Its like constantly trying to keep the lovely little cherubs occupied without spending very much money. there are only so many times you can go the park, take the dogs out or bake.

Also it seems to come down to entertaining other peoples children. This is harder because you can't shout at them to shut up. I am at the stage where i just need some peace. the constant "I'm bored" or every other question starts with "can i have ....?" or "can my friend.....?" you can also guarantee that the moment there is any peace (even just 15 minutes) that they will come the minute you sit down with a cup of tea and try and watch a bit of tv. Its like they have an in built alarm that rings the minute mum sits down.

I am now counting the days until back at school (15 days). I still have to get the school uniform, but that i don't mind as only one to buy now.

The other down side to the summer holidays is how much it costs whenever you pop to the shop. There is no such thing as just getting a few things with a 7 year old in tow. I also have an inability to keep saying no. after being asked a million times i cave. I know she has worked this out and is the reason she does it, but it gets to the stage i'd like to get out the shop without a sulking child and people looking judgmental at you as you drag her behind you screaming. I rationlise (is that even a word?) this by i'm not doing her any harm, she's well behaved most of the time, doesn't bite or kick me and knows her manners. As annoying as shopping is at least she stays with me and doesn't run off causing havoc.

so this  summer holiday is drawing to a close (thank god) and its 11 months to the next one, oh joy.

winding up instructing

The last few weeks have made a decision to finally give up instructing. It was a hard decision but as time as gone on its become the right one. Have 1 active pupil at the moment. Last week i did 2 lessons, 250 miles covered. not even worth it. My heart isn't it and i don't really care. This active pupil has test in a couple of weeks. this will be my last one.

someone has told my franchise that i have a manual car, so they seem to believe that i am lying about how much work i have. god knows how they know because you can't tell by the outside of the car whether its manual or automatic.

After my week in Durham (residential school) I need to be more focused on my degree. now the stress has gone from work i feel a lot better. sleeping better (but that might be down to cutting wheat & gluten from my diet).

I thought it would be a lot harder but it must be the right time as it seems the natural thing to do. so far i'm not missing it.

No title

A couple of weeks ago I went fully auto.

When it was discussed a feew months back and as recently as a month ago I was assured there was plenty of work, there was even a waiting list!

Fast forward a month and I have 7 pupils. Im not even covering franchise & petrol.

so what do I do?

im going to get my website back up and running (thanks to Rob for helping with that) and im handing my notice in. So it doesn't matter how much work i have as i don't have to pay for a car.

I am enjoying teaching automatic, its very different but not as challenging as manual, although i do keep telling people to bring the clutch up and change gear! The trouble with it is that you can misjudge how pupil is progressing. I used to measure it against how they could change gear, how much stalling etc. with automatic there isn't this bar. I have to find a measuring bar. I am still learning. I know it will become easier as im only driving my car, the same for doing the maneuvers.

On one of the instructor forums one of the automatic instructors makes out that driving an automatic is difficult, like its a special car. its not as once the gears are taken out its a case of point and steer. Yes theres kick down but thats not hard to do.

Those that go from manual to auto wished they'd gone straight to auto, as its that easy. I don't believe it is that easy, BUT if they believe it is, its amazing how that makes them so much more confident after attempting gears and a clutch has destroyed any.

I still find I sit and watch their left foot. I keep wanting to tell them to keep it still, for that I can catch myself before I do say something.

As much as I do enjoy my job, the last couple of months have been very tough. Not only have I had to hand over a full diary to the franchise (all my manual pupils) i've had a couple of complaints that I have taken very personally. The way its feedback is not good, you get the impression they don't care in the office, in fact you can almost hear them sigh. its not constructive and just makes you feel like your being attacked by people who don't do your job.
So I have posted my notice. Maybe doing it part time I might fully regain my love for this job. I have found my stress levels have been up so high and i've been that down that a couple of times I've considered getting in my car and just driving or just sectioning myself before I do something really stupid. I don't feel I can tell my franchise this, they wouldn't care anyway, so my dark thoughts are being wrote down here in the hope that just writing it gets it out of my mind.

A lot of my stress is my own fault, i take everything so personally and think about it that it just eats away at me. I envy those who seem to let it go over their head. one day i might be able to do that, even if it is helped along by medication.

hate exams

This week i have sat my first exam in 7 years.

I am doing a psychology degree (stupidly thought it was a good idea).

I have a crap memory, it isn't built for exams. I will find anything to do other than revise. infact i will find anything to do other than study. Reading is hard for me. I find it tiring.

I had to memorise 45 key terms, and 4 chapters. 3 essays in total.

I have no idea how i did. I have no idea if i actually answered the questions or if i just babbled on for 17 pages.

I wasn't nervous/ I don't know if this was because deep down inside i knew i knew it.

On the morning of the exam I couldn't read anything else. I just sat staring at the pages, nothing going in.

I am now avoiding doing my research project. Its due tuesday, its been such a stressful week i can't face it so back to avoiding things again!

is it just about passing the test?

In the instructor world the answer would be no, its about safe driving for life. In the real world it would be a yes.

Why do pupils put themselves under so much pressure?
why do they choose not to listen to us?
why do they think we are more concerned about the money?

Is it really about the money?

Yes when a pupil passes we have to look to replace them. Sometimes that can take weeks BUT would we really drag out their lessons till that replacement came along? or would we be more worried about an unready pupil damaging our car or someone else? damaging our reputation?

There are the instructors out there who will drag a pupils lessons out, but they are in the minority. A majority of instructors want to feel that when someone passes they are safe and not going to end up in a graveyard. It sometimes is a fine line. If pupil not performing constantly good, you can't put them in for test. It has to consistent, otherwise they will end up in the graveyard. Being accused of dragging out lessons is insulting, especially when said pupil doesn't listen to you and thinks its their right to take a test "just for the experience". My car was expensive, it is my livelihood. To be treated like you don't know and with such little respect, gets me. I do a lot for my pupils (sometimes too much) i try and encourage, always look for the positive, even if im thinking "well that was crap". I won't say, well sometimes i will, they need the truth as brutal as it may be.

Learning to drive should be so much more than just passing a test. It should be about never accepting the, just safe standard. It should be about constantly improving, even when they get that certificate. Never stop learning, learn from their mistakes. Thats what learning to drive should be. Respecting the instructor for thier knowledge, for the fact that they have demonstrated that they are in fact very good drivers. That they do a difficult job, with little or no thanks.

so to the learners that may read this, when your instructor refuses to book your test, take a breath and listen to what they are saying. sometimes they won't be able to give a reason, this doesn't mean they are conning you, it means they are being honest. Approach every lesson as a learning experience, because your instructor will. just because your test is booked doesn't mean you can accept your good, look to improve because it is about so much more than passing your test.

ending on a high

I am in a very strange place.

Today my car was returned. I become very attached to my cars. Don't know why. I'd chosen the colour, what was going to be in it, everything. Id had it since new, delivered straight from the dealer.

At least it's last bit of work ended on a high, a pass. It felt like the last time i would be at that test centre. maybe it was. starting to wonder if everything over the last six months is a sign that its time to stop and concentrate on my degree.

Since Tuesday my life feels to have changed massively. That letter saying that the company no more was a shock. I am now relying on my franchise to fill my diary again. I have no work which means no money to pay said franchise. The response from my pupils has been heartbreaking, really have let them down. hate it when i have no control of things.

some haven't been very gracious in it, been rude and downright hurtful but a majority have understood that its out of my hands. yes its not nice having to find another instructor, especially when a test is looming, but i can't do anything.

so here i am sat waiting to see what is going to happen. Im taking a breath. sitting back and just looking at my options.

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